From my son-in-law at Army boot camp – Fort Beannie (Thanks MC!):
What I’ve Learned as an Infantryman, a/k/a: Grunt-in-Training:
1. How to eat a three-course meal in under three minutes;
2. How to wake up already in the position of attention;
3. Regardless of time of day, where you’re at, how quiet or noisy, hot or cold, whether you’re in standing or sitting position, shooting your weapon or not…How to fall asleep ANYWHERE;
4. How to shit, shave and get dressed in five minutes – no exaggeration!!;
5. How to get somewhere as fast as possible and wait forever;
6. How to have a casual conversation with five guys all in the shower at the same time (I know – I didn’t think this would ever happen either!);
7. How to do laundry, sweep, mop, and clean anything and everything with a TOOTHBRUSH;
8. That if you’re not infantry, you’re a P.O.G. (Person Other Than Grunt);
9. How to eat anything and everything with a SPOON;
10. How to chug two 12 ounce classes of Poweraid like the guy from “The Man Show.”
11. How to learn breathing techniques while sixty men have fart competitions throughout the day;
12. That you really will pay $20 for a bag of Skittles during the “RED” Phase; (no joke – you really will!)
13. How to lose weight;
14. How to roll an ankle – OUCH!!
15. How to wake up at “What-the- _ _ _ _! O’Clock”;
16. How to avoid a Drill Sergeant;
17. How to dodge mail;
18. How to perform the Front Lean & Rest Position ….. MOVE!;
19. How close you can get to being gay….without actually being gay;
20. How to fold your clothes to the size of a DOLLAR!
21. How to understand Drill Sergeant (DS) lingo, as follows:
“1, 2, 3” is said out loud – “HUN, HOO, HREE!” “Not to be that one, Private! It behooves you to know what behooves means”…. (even though no one knows what it means!).
22. How hard it is to look busy (it’s harder to LOOK BUSY than it is to actually BE BUSY!!)
23. How easy it is to get SMOKED!! (Believe me – I know from experience!)
24. NOT to ask your Drill Sergeant for a wake-up call.
25. What questions NOT TO ASK a Drill Sergeant, like: What’s your first name? How much do you make? Can I use the bathroom? When’s chow? DS, how do I….? Usually any question along these lines leads to a smoking. (But these are actual questions that have been asked from my platoon!!! – Idiots!)
26. How NOT TO SMILE in the chow line when the DS says, “Smile if you like d _ _ _ …. Saying the word over and over again, then saying “Oh my – – that’s a lotta d _ _ _ !” (How do you not smile during something like that????)
27. When a Drill Sergeant asks you if you want any kind of food that you know you’re not supposed to have during Basics, such as your favorite brownies or candy, KNOW THIS IS A TRICK!!!!! JUST SAY “NO”!!!!! Don’t even think about it. NO! NO! NO!
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And there you have it – what my infantryman son-in-law has been going through since March 4. Glad I’m here at home…….Here, I get to be the Drill Sergeant!!
